Why Men Are Crap

The Guardian ran an article yesterday (25th October) entitled "Why men are crap", in response to ad executive Neil French's claims that women make rubbish employees and Gorden Ramsey's suggestion that women can't cook. The responses from a variety of women were interesting but I can't help feeling they collectively missed the point. Men Are Simple. They are sooooo simple that women, complex little bunnies that they are spend months, years, lifetimes trying to rationalise their behavior.

In the current climate, three main "gender issues" emerge.

Firstly, that progress has been made in the way that people are perceived. There is a much stronger "individual" focus rather than gender based distinctions. Both male and female definitions of self have (eventually) become much less based on stereotypical "roles" and more focused on specific "functions". Nevertheless, the repercussions of these changes have had serious impact on interaction between the sexes.

Men are currently experiencing a severe loss of identity. It is no longer acceptable to "just be the man" as their fathers were, neither is it desirable to be a "gay best friend" and since men are creatures of extremes, they seem unable to find a happy medium in between.

Thirdly, women have always been pressured by society to achieve. Motherhood has always been high on the list, as have being the "good little wife" which reached it's height in the fifties when the expectations were of domestic bliss and the supreme hostess. In the eighties, following the revolution, these changed to power dressing and career success. In the millennium, women are expected to; have a career, achieve success in that career and prove themselves in the work place, have and then personally take care of children (without this affecting aforementioned career), participate in the "ladette" culture, have a wide circle of friends, be a domestic goddess a la Nigella, maintain a svelte size ten and to do all this whilst attractively turned out in the latest fashion.

So, the balance is unsurprisingly a little off kilter. Interestingly, in the Guardian's article, it seemed as though the "old school" style of complaining about men was still popular amongst most. "Well, I love men very much and think they're wonderful and they're much better at reading maps than I am but they are very messy when they cook." That's Crap!

Men never have had and never will have any foresight. They function entirely in the moment, surviving on small, bite size chunks of information. They are good at reading maps and at fixing broken equipment around the house, but everyone forgets how long it takes them to achieve. Men don't have any better idea than women do of how a DVD player works, or how to get to Norwich from Sheffield. What they do have is an innate ability to remove themselves from any situation and apply absolute focus until the task is achieved. Even if that does take two hours and everything is in a mess when they're finish. This concept of crapitude does demonstrate that men are very handy in a crisis. In the style of The Terminator, they will save the day, but with absolutely no regard for all the things they had to smash, shoot, kick, punch and drive through in order to get results.

Another popular misconception in the "why men are crap" game is that their simplicity makes them childlike. Women complain of regularly having to look after men, having to explain complex situations to them, helping them with personal hygiene, washing their clothes, cooking for them. "My husband is so crap", they say, "that without me, he just wouldn't be able to function." Well Lady, the reason that you're wrong there is that they would function perfectly well, it just would be a very different version of how what you call functioning. Men probably don't develop much past childhood, but the women who persist in mothering them and pandering to their needs are as much to blame.

The real reasons why men are crap has nothing to do with stereotypical and traditional views. It has nothing to do with male values, male egos and pride and their inherent need for sheds. Men love to gossip. They love divulging secrets and hearing about the misfortune of others. Like an embarrassing Great Aunt, they say the most inappropriate things wherever possible. Like a smelly dog, they fart without warning. Like a child, they blurt out secrets and surprises. Last but not least, they whinge. About everything on a permanent basis. Everything they say is centered around a complaints. They also tend to nag quite a lot, especially harassing defenseless animals or very young children.

So, men are crap. And they're crap because all the reasons they give for women being crap are things they're guilty of themselves. Nagging, moaning, whinging and gossiping. And all Neil French and Gordon Ramsey have demonstrated is that yes, they are men and yes, they are crap.

Let's just all play nice shall we boys.

Whinge

Why are some people so rude?
How can full grown, respectable men and women sometimes forget every word they have ever been taught on the subject of manners?

I appreciate that there is a sliding scale- not everyone shares the same upbringing- but surely manners are so habitual that even the most provoking situation should not cause a complete break down of the most basic functions. Children are taught to remember please and thank you. They are encouraged to treat everyone as they would like to be treated themselves. They are sent to the naughty corner when they disrespect others.
In the meantime, business professionals steal seats from old ladies on the Underground, workers in service industries are regularly undermined, provoked and harassed and cheerful friendly members of society are dismissed with a haughty shrug or worse.
The instigators of these crimes should be very firmly sent to the naughty corner and told not to return!
It would seem however, (without being in any way discriminatory) that the main culprits in these crimes are overweight, balding, very red faced, middle aged men with an inferiority complex. And they are not the easiest beasts to coax into the naughty corner.

As a temporary receptionist, my day is filled with such men.
"Who shall I say is calling?" I trill.
"Mmmmh Drifles" they mumble into the handset, generally whilst their voices are muffled by phone crackle.
"I'm sorry sir, can I ask you to repeat your name please?" I gently question.
"My name is Mark Dayton, they SNAP BACK MEANLY.
"Well Sir, I'm sorry to have to ask again but I'm a telephonist not telepathic, and I didn't quite hear you the first time, as you weren't enunciating very effectively. If you had preferred, I could have announced you as Mmmmh Drifles, but then you probably would have been laughed at."

In they rush these men, particularly red faced and sweating.
"I have a meeting at 2 o clock, they pronounce.
"Can I just ask you to sign in?" I ask. SLAM, down goes the paperwork onto the reception desk. SIGH as they pick up the pen.
"I really am very late and would like to get to my meeting" they HUFF.
"Well Sir, if you had better time management in the first place, you wouldn't have been in such a rush and worked yourself into this fluster. But I can see that the very time consuming task of signing into the visitor's book is to blame and I can only apologize for having been so audacious as to suggest you complete this essential safety measure. If you'd prefer, you can skip it and when the building burns down and you are trapped in the upstairs bathroom and no-one knows because you're not on the list, it won't be on my conscience."

There was a gentleman last week who came to reception and said that he had a meeting. Having already been forewarned of his arrival, I chirped in my very best receptionist voice,
"Is it Ryan Coonan?"
"IS IT?" He thundered.
"You should say, ARE YOU Ryan Coonan?" he shouted at me.
"I am not an it!" He hollered.
"Well Sir, as I was actually referring to you name, that is, a noun, the question Is your name Ryan Coonan? and Is it Ryan Coonan? are virtually synonymous and equally grammatically valid."

What emerges here as a pattern is a very real sense of lost identity amongst these men. The concept of checking into a building, preparing for a meeting is important. "One wants always to create the correct impression. One doesn't want some two bit receptionist messing with One's psyche and disrupting One's sense of self. One gets enough of that at home from the wife. Or, more probably, One doesn't get any at all."

Ahh, bless the poor little men, experiencing a mid life crisis and a sense of displacement in the big bad world with their fancy cars and their important jobs and their business lunches. How dare the "little people" impinge on their day in such a consistent manner.

I used to work in a book shop and as a retail assistant, the role involved a lot of customer interaction. And also, a lot of searching for books.
"For God's sake", I remember a particular man ranting, "Do you know absolutely nothing at all abou books?"
"Well sir, I'm only nineteen and whilst I'm studying for a degree in English Literature, the particular book that you're looking for is an obscure German History title- not a specialist subject of mine. And of course, Waterstones could employ like minded men of your own age and stature with whom you could converse freely about this particular book, but I shouldn't imagine that there are that many willing to work in a job that pays £4.25 an hour and involves standing up all day and talking with the likes of you."

Why don't people take that extra second before they speak to consider the circumstance of the person they're talking to? Why don't they take one minute to compose themselves and think anbout how they look? What they look like is immature bullies who are so narrow minded, so egocentric and unnecessarily irritated and so puffed up with their own importance that they can't even acknowledge other people, let alone offer them a smile. Which, when the overall picture is taken into consideration, it's what I call rude.

Imagine how awful it is, sitting on the phone, on hold to a call centre. Imagine how irritating it is, when you finally get through that the person on the other line has no idea what you're talking about and is soi ncompetentt that they cannot help you. Then imagine sitting in a call centre all day, every day, taking calls from irate customers who have been short changed, ignored or neglected by a large name company and really want to take out their pathetic rage on you. One after another after another. Which is worse?

In conclusion. JUST STOP AND THINK. You will never know everyone's back stories, you will never know why they work where they do, wear what they wear and behave how they behave. They probably don't know themselves. But always remember that a smile and cheer goes an awfully long way, and if you can't manage that then basic courtesy, manners and decency will do. AND DON'T SHOUT AT PEOPLE.


....And Relax

How come boys are so simple?

They just are.

My Mission Statement (work in progress...)

1. Embrace Everything (Literally, I mean Cuddles)

2. Challenge Everyone (especially children, people who are old before their time and snobs)

3. Be happy and smile

4. Honesty is always the best policy.

5. Lie whenever you can.

6. Love yourself- you've the only person you can guarantee spending the rest of your life with.

7. Eat tasty food as often as you can.

8. Everyone you've ever known talks crap. (except your Mum who is wise)

9. Pay attention to detail in everything you do and in everything you see. Life is in the small print.

10. Never forget the bigger picture. Whatever you choose for that to be.

Can anyone tell me what the Arts Council actually do?

As far as I can discern, the Arts Council are a bunch of very well paid "arty types" who sit around in their very plush Executive Offices, surrounded by unnecessary papers, holding unnecessary meetings about what to do with all this Government money.
"Shall we give it to worthy and deserving causes?" they ask.
"Well," comes the response, "Why don't we have a meeting about it, and we can travel from around the country to a central location, and have lovely tasty sandwiches, and talk about it. Then, after we have purchased the office water coolers, enough files and folders to fill a warehouse and employed several PAs to fetch and carry for us, we'll pretty much be up to budget."

How can one organization have so many chief Executives? How can one organization have so many policies and procedures? I've never encountered such a tedious operation. Every process has to be documented and reviewed and monitored and archived. It is absolutely ludicrous.

What a chattering classes, justifying themselves by doing NOTHING, ridiculous gang they make up. And don't get me started on the mortifyingly transparent attempt at diversification.

Does anybody have a statistic regarding what percentage of the total Government funding is actually spent on the Arts? £1.7 million of Government money is going into the Arts this year, they promise. How much on top of that do they receive from government funding to maintain nine regional offices as well as two National offices?

....And Relax.

I will research my questions and return.

I LOVE Rabbits, especially when they fly....

Once upon a time, there was a little girl called Eloise and she had a rabbit called Judith and she loved her very much. But then Judith ran away and went to live free with the other wild rabbits. So Eloise was sad and she missed her pet, but also was very happy that Judith had the life of which she'd always dreamed.

Later on, Eloise got a new rabbit who was called Jane and this rabbit was very small and grey and fluffy and had a white tummy. She was lovely. But very sadly, Jane was poorly and she died. Eloise was very, very sad.

Then when Eloise was much older she got a BOY rabbit. He was called Sausage because he was skinny and black. He was very fast and although sometimes he was really funny, he was generally a wily one. Then, one day while Eloise was away on holiday, Sausage planned his escape. He carefully chewed through the wooden latch on his hutch and tentatively nudged open the door. He sniffed the air and thumped the ground with his foot, and then... made a run for freedom and the happy rabbit land where Judith still lived.

The fox in the garden had another idea.

Eloise was very sad. Again. She decided that rabbits were nothing but trouble.

Luckily, Eloise has now come to her senses and although sometimes rabbits die or run away or are eaten by foxes, they are still very pretty and very nice.

The End

HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

My online CV...

Personal Information

Address: 19 Barker Drive
Camden
London
NW1 0JG

Mobile telephone: 07986 417 349
Email address: eloisecoe@hotmail.com

Date of birth: 3rd September 1981


Education

2004-2005: King’s College London and RADA

MA Text and Performance Studies
Results expected December 2005 (Predicted Merit)

Studied the dramaturgic approach to play texts, examining work in theoretical and practical contexts.

I developed all aspects of performance: directing; acting; producing; writing; technical and costuming.

My final dissertation spanned six months. Devised title, research methods and provided extensive models to illustrate “The Use of Film within Live Performance”.

The final productions were performed in RADA Theatre space with large audiences including the public. This involved planning, organisation and directorial leadership.


2000-2003: University of Newcastle

BA Hons English Literature
Achieved a high 2:1

Covered a broad range of literary genres and film topics.

Took part in weekly seminars and tutorials and developed communication and presentation skills.

Weekly and termly essays created a large volume of work to be planned, researched and delivered with regularity and to deadline.

Dissertation entitled “Aspects of Altered Perception and Self-constructed Reality: A Clockwork Orange, Vanilla Sky and Lost Highway”.


1993 - 2000: Nottingham High School for Girls
A-Levels (2000) B English Literature
B French
C Chemistry

A General Studies

GCSE’s (1998) Passed 9 (A*-B)


Work Experience

March 2005 - Present:
Reed Employment, Camden, London
Harrison Pursey, Soho, London
Empire Design, London
Arts Counsel

Temporary positions have varied from Media and HR companies to challenging NHS environments.

A number of companies have requested I return, including The Jim Henson Company in Camden and Empire Design

This work has involved front of house reception of clients and VIP guests and a use of switchboards and all Microsoft programs.

March 2004 - September 2004:
Camping Life, Biarritz
Campsite Representative

Ensuring guests had an enjoyable, safe holiday. Duties involved preparing accommodation, organising entertainments and mediating between holidaymakers and locals.

My role demanded a high degree of administration and organisation and involved problem solving, confidence and effective communication were essential.

Conversational French.

September 2003 - March 2004:
Nottinghamshire County Cricket Ground
Silver Service Waitress

Supervised the setting up of the function suites, worked as part of a serving team, bar service and cloakroom attendant.

Responsible for cash registers behind two bars and the stock takings at the end of every day.

Summer 2003: Serif Computer Software, Nottingham
Telesales Operative

Summer job involving cold calling in a target driven environment.


September 1998 - March 2001:

Waterstones, Nottingham and Newcastle
Retail Assistant


Future Work Experience

November-December 2005:
Empire Design, London
Account Handler

Following a temporary receptionist position, I have been offered the chance to spend two weeks shadowing an account handler for this Film Design company.

Whilst there, I observed the processes involved in creating a campaign and the personal attributes required.


Interests and Achievements

Amateur dramatics has been a social activity since leaving school. I have taken part in performances for a couple of societies in Nottingham and the Newcastle University Theatre Society (NUTS).

Travel and Holidays are of greatest importance and I would hope to get to South America and Australia this coming summer.

I enjoy dance and aerobics classes.

CLAIT (Computer Literacy and Information Technology) (2000)

Piano, Grade 6. Music Theory, Grade 5. (2002)



Details of personal and professional referees are available